Welcome to my writing page! I write about things I care about, and things that make me laugh, which may or may not be the things you care about, or laugh at. If it’s important, please be assured that I do not bring my views into my other work, vocal lessons, etc. There. Happy?!?
How did we get here? The adults are supposed to be driving this thing
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Stand up straight and walk Whatever bounces, bounces Whatever sways, sways
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BANANA Yellow, touch of brown You are perfect, to eat now Tomorrow, too late
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My name is Lori My name is Lori Lynner But don’t wear it out
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My name is Lori My name is Lori Lynner Who the fuck are you?
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POLITICS & CULTURE
Facebook, November 2024:
Many conservatives want to put PRAYER “back” into public schools, which of course, violates the separation of church and state. So if they succeed, what are we secularists to do?
We could object when it’s about to happen, leave the room, cross our arms BUT roll our eyes and keep them open, just to make it known that we’re not participating… but where’s the fun in that?
OR… let’s say there’s a school meeting with teachers, parents, and eccentric aunts…
Principal: “Before we begin, would anyone like to give the opening prayer?”
(Lori raises her hand, the principal gestures to the podium, and Lori walks to the microphone. She closes her eyes, opens her arms, raises them, takes a deep breath, and exhales. She takes another deep breath…)
“Spirits… SPIRITS!!! We summon thee!!! Ye who have retired from this mortal existence… Ye who educated generations of children in these ancient halls of Backman Elementary! Guide us with your eternal wisdom!!! Third grade teacher Mrs. Bailey… arise! Fourth grade teacher Miss Thomas… arise! Fifth grade teacher Mrs. Dangerfield… ARISE!! Especially Mrs. Dangerfieeeeeeeeeeeld!!!
(Lori waits and listens intently)
Principal: “All right, thank y-“
Lori: “- If those teachers aren’t dead, please fly to them and say Lori Lynner says Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii !!!!! …”
Facebook, November 2024:
A few years ago I was invited to an acquaintance’s family’s Thanksgiving dinner. And unfortunately, I accepted the invitation.
The female relatives and guests gathered in the kitchen while the stepmother cooked… I don’t know why the menfolk were elsewhere, but rather than find them and intrude on their gathering like some shrill, entitled congresswoman, I stayed in the kitchen.
Someone said something that reminded me of “Orange Is the New Black”, and I asked if they’d seen the show. One woman laughed and nodded, but the other 4 or 5 looked mildly disgusted. The stepmother said “Ugh. No. I can’t watch that kind of thing.” I said “You mean a show about a woman’s prison?” And she said “The lesbian sex. I mean, I have a friend who is a lesbian, but she doesn’t flaunt it in my face.” And I said “You mean you’ve never tried pussy? It’s the best! Well, the second best…”
I’m kidding. I REALLY WANTED to say that. But I did not.
Instead, I suffered through a dinner with people talking about how climate change was a hoax, how the tax rate on their capital gains was too high, how they met through God’s providence (see footnote!1) and how Tr*mp was the best thing to happen to our country…
Man, I wish I had acted on my instincts… I would have LOVED to see the look on her face.
1 Footnote: Somebody asked a female cousin “How did you two meet?” She said “Well, it’s kind of funny…” and her redneck husband interrupted her with “God’s providence isn’t funny…”
Maybe I’m glad I went after all.
Facebook, November 2024:
(My comment to Sam Harris regarding his analysis of the presidential election. I have tremendous respect for Sam, but I disagree with some of his points)
We mustn’t upset the lunatics. Instead we must tiptoe on eggshells so they don’t start a civil war. They already begrudgingly got used to “Ms.” instead of “Miss” or “Mrs.”, like any decent, respectable woman should be willing to be called. Now if we ask them to use “they” once in a while instead of “he” or “she”, they will lose their fucking minds. We mustn’t enrage them. They’re the ones with the guns. If we quote experts, that’s elitism. If we point to evidence and consensus based on scientific and historical facts, that’s Fancy Book Learnin’ Elitism. If we get TOO many celebrities to tell them what to do, they will do the opposite. Trump campaigned for and paid for a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, which costs $75,250. To have his name on a sidewalk. Yet he brags about not paying federal taxes, which pay for the maintenance of sidewalks, roads, bridges… at the risk of sounding like an elitist, the term is “infrastructure”. Please don’t shoot me. I’m just trying to make my country a better place.
Facebook, December 2020:
I know everyone is probably/understandably not in the mood to read a rant about political discourse right now, but in the immortal words of Strangers With Candy’s Jerri Blank, “I got somethin’ to say!”
Sometimes I tune in to F*x News to see what they’re talking about. The other day I subjected myself to a bit of Lou D*bbs, who still enjoys calling himself a journalist. He interviewed a conservative woman in the midwest who had received some threatening emails after the election, then made a sweeping condemnation of the perpetrators as liberals/rioters/looters/traitors… I’m surprised he didn’t call them demons, or at least Satanists. Then he encouraged viewers to go to his website, which he said was for “patriots only” and buy stuff like his new book “The Tr*mp Century”, which he described as “just wonderful.”
I also recently saw Tr*mp’s press secretary and Scary Barbie K. McEn*ny defend the White House holiday parties, where most people are unmasked, by saying “if you can loot businesses, burn down buildings, engage in protest, you can also go to a Christmas party.” WTF? Is she saying “we’ll show YOU the right way to spread Covid!”
My point is this: if we don’t want our country to continue to slide into an “Idiocracy” (thank you, Mike Judge!) we have to make our words count, and make sense. We have to address the actual questions, and give real answers. We need to stick to the subject. Not spin off, and make sweeping assertions, and obfuscate, and make a bunch of bullshit noise. We need to hold everyone accountable, even those that are on “our side.” We will all benefit from trying to be as intellectually honest as possible.
Do it for the damn children.
POETRY
Ode to Ron Glass
I didn’t know you I liked your smile and your eyes On the 70s T.V. show When I was a kid Finding my sense of humor
I haven’t thought of you In many years But now so many later You are gone
Funny The words you said Written by someone else Followed by a laugh track Brought to life by you
Funny The memory I have Not replaced by something else Your color, your voice From a small, vintage screen Could be so large
Funny I didn’t know you But you linger in my heart and mind
