The Onion April 30, 2025
“The Onion Hires Multi-Talented Middle-Aged Woman”
In late November of 2024, Lori Lynner was in her basement studio apartment in Seattle, WA, contemplating her future.
An accomplished singer and above-average rhythm guitarist, she had recently performed a string of successful Halloween shows for adoring seniors at assisted-living facilities. She had submitted several acting auditions for voice-over and on-camera work, resulting in rare praise from her agent, but no bookings that would help pay her bills. Depressed by the outcome of the recent election, she considered escaping to Canada, like so many Americans. In a late-night text to a former co-worker, Lynner wrote “Hey, how’s my favorite Canadian? Wanna get married? (me getting down on one knee) You’re pleasant, reliable, I hear you’re a great cook, and I am very, very, very open-minded.” He replied “Considering offers will circle back.”
Lynner was applying for part-time jobs that could utilize the mad skills she had developed as an executive assistant, legal assistant, and independent business owner. She hoped to find a position flexible enough to allow her to continue performing 2 days a week in senior homes. “I LOVE playing for those folks. They listen, they appreciate good music, and they are literally a captive audience. They can’t leave without the door code, which is posted in Roman numerals so they can’t figure it out. I get to sing songs from every era, I can talk about Doris Day, Fred Astaire, Fleetwood Mac… I bring a photo of me performing with Bob Hope when I was 18 and it blows their fucking minds.”
She was also studying to become an esthetician. “The beauty industry (grooming, “self-care”, all that shit) is a BILLION-dollar industry. A cash cow that is internet proof and AI-proof. I figured if I can get licensed to do facials and waxing, I can earn some of that vanity money. At first I wondered if I could rip out someone’s pubes, but then I thought “For a hundred bucks? Hell yeah.”
She was riding the bus home from beauty school when she had the revelation that she wanted to work at The Onion. “The Onion is absolutely brilliant. It embodies two of the things I love most about America: our right to free speech, and our irreverent sense of humor. When I heard that they bought InfoWars at auction (in collaboration with Every Town For Gun Safety and the Sandy Hook parents! Are you kidding me with this irony?!?) I just HAD to offer myself to them as a fighter in the resistance.”
Upon reading her articulate and persuasive job application email, The Onion hired Lynner immediately. She worked remotely for several months, tied up loose ends in Seattle, and moved to Chicago on the first day of spring.
Onion CEO Ben Collins praises Lynner as a “useful addition to the office.” “We can ask her to write an article, record and edit voice-over, act on-camera, edit and upload the video… plus, since she’s in her 50s and has mild narcolepsy, she checks enough boxes to qualify as a DEI hire: Old. Sleepy. Woman.” Lynner insists that those traits are part of what make her uniquely qualified to work at the Onion. “I’m around all these younger men who are smart, funny NERDS. Just my type. And many of them don’t have much “real world” experience. I’m like a kid in a candy store. As far as accommodating my narcolepsy, they let me take a nap under the conference table from 3:00- 3:30 pm as long as I clean up the room afterwards. It’s a win-win.”